So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
You Might Also Like
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*