FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
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Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
Shortcut
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
My wife has the worst taste in men.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.