Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
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[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
If only.
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is