My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
You Might Also Like
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
What if the weather talks about us?
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.