Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
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Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
Tremendous stuff