me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
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Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
Monday Lisa
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater