“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
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Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.