You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
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Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”