Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
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Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.