Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
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“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
#merica
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts