I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
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Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor