I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
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“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.