How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
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still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
Can’t. Being lazy.
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
me when I see my crush
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.