I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
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“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
Alexa, make me look good naked.
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy