The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
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Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
Chemical wingman
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something