Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
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3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
OMG 🤣🤣
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast