Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
You Might Also Like
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
Today’s Times
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
⚪️🟧⚪️🟡🟢
🟢⚪️🟡🟧⚪️
🟡⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes