“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
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If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
What even happened today?
Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it