Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
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KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
A flock of dads is called a grill.
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
Our lord and savoury.
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue