I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
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[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
Beware…..
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.