When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
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due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot