USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
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HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.