Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
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Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.