[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
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We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
*has no idea what a book even is*
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
Good morning, Twitter x
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.