Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
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The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
(3:12am)
My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes