Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
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one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.