Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
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I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard