“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
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my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
What flavor cupcake are these
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.