Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
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Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*