My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
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Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
Happy Caturday!
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
That’s enough internet for the day
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
Real House Wines.