Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
You Might Also Like
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
Super Hand Dog Face
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.