My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
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me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
I’ve been drinking.
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”