People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
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my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally