All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
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If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people