Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
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Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
is it earth
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch