This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
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You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.