Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
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First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value