If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
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Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
My neck my back my allergy attack
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?