spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
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To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.