No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
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this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.