Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
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6: are snakes just neck?
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
next question.
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.