GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
You Might Also Like
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
This is my favorite one of these!