Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
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I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
Classic German Shepherd 😂
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”