My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
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God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
The first matador