Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
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The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
*jingles half the way*
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture