Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
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All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
My inexpensive home security system…
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
😲 WTF? 😆
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.