If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
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Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won’t believe this
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.