I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
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Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
Intelligence is the new cleavage
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
Aight bet
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
Autocarrot sucks!
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
can’t talk my ride’s here
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude