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{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
I want what they have
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.