Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
You Might Also Like
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
#damn
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…